coming home.

Me doing Insanity while my mom is trying to work

fitgirlprblms:

      

its ending

coming down alone makes me sad.  I wish I would be more present in my last few weeks living in this state.

and V strikes again

I hate drama. I’ve never been involved in ex-girlfriend issues until now and I’m so over it.  I just got a text from I that said he’d yelled at V for freaking out at me a while back and for “talking smack to his friends.”  I didn’t really know how to react because obviously I see her more often than he does, so its not really ideal - and the news that she was talking shit about me was new.  apparently his friend that I saw this weekend “didn’t paint a pretty picture” of the night and I guess that sent I over the edge.  I didn’t ask what was said, because I know it will just upset me. on one hand, I’m glad he values whatever we have enough to stand up for me, but on the other I just wish this would go away.  I know she’ll probably still talk shit about me, it’ll just be more covert.  I hate that this has any impact on my relationship with him.

first event with my wand!

went to a rave-like party thrown at my school last night - these are actually pretty legit productions as they are planned and organized by a group of students that are pretty intense edm fans.  I’ve been on the outskirts of that group this year because of my involvement with F, but now because of my involvement with I, I’m not longer in at all, which is really fine with me because they have a lot of drama (I essentially started the rave scene up at my college when he still went here and started this process of getting the school to fund crazy parties).  

but anyways, the main point of this was that I finally got to take my flow wand and really jam with it.  I had so much fun.  I ended up dancing with the go gos on different platforms because different people involved with planning were so into the wand.  at one point I was up on a catwalk about two levels up wanding while a friend spun poi.  really a great experience.  I had rigged my wand with glow sticks so it was more visible.  I know there are a lot of photos and video, but I have yet to see any, so that’s nervewracking since I really don’t like to see myself in that way.

two of I’s friends that I met a few weeks ago came down for the party and it was nice to see them - they came and found me as soon as I got there. they were asking when they would see me again in denver and I basically laughed and told them I didn’t know, wasn’t really in my control.  they essentially replied that they hoped I came back and hung out soon. when I was saying goodbye to them, the guy [who is I’s friends long-term boyfriend] basically pulled me aside and was like “you are rocking this tonight, you look amazing and you were killing it with the wand.” not going to lie, felt awesome to hear that since I know it will get repeated to I when they hang out.  

I managed to avoid I’s ex - quite a feat since she was one of the organizers of the event.  although, I won’t lie, I think she did have something to do with the fact that security kept making me leave various go go areas even though other organizers would specifically place me there. eventually someone just gave me a random pass that belonged to someone else and just said to use that, so I guess I won.

after this ended, I stopped at the campus bar and ran into I’s best friend who decided to drunkenly interrogate me about what was going on with us.  a little awkward since a mutual friend had just told me he had been asking her about us and had implied that I didn’t like me.  I’m not going to let that implication bother me though because the last time they hung out with a few months ago and I feel pretty secure about his feelings for me.  plus, the whole thing takes too much effort for either party to not have a real interest.

I’m running on way too little sleep and a pretty tough thesis deadline, but today is a good day.  I keep thinking about graduation though, which is tough.  I had a realization this week that leaving and not pursuing things with I is probably going to be pretty tough.  I think we would be dating if it weren’t for the distance and a few other factors.  I don’t harbor the illusion that we are soul mates or something like that, but he is the first person I’ve been involved with that made me feel like I could fall in love with them, its comforting to have that feeling again.  sometimes I think I am too cold.

but yeah, I’ve been thinking about it too much lately.  I think one of my happier moments was after shpongle when he told me that that the show and the music was a new experience for him and that he was happy I had shared it with him (I gave him a ticket). he’s kind of the type that likes to be the expert and in charge, so I think he appreciated that I have interests that are new to him.